M. Itch Rashwell
ITCH: An uneasy, irritating sensation in the upper surface of the skin usually held to result from mild stimulation of pain.
Hey! Hey, you! Yeah, you! Come a little closer to the screen. A little closer. Good. Now that I have your attention, I would like to introduce myself. I’m M. Itch Rashwell.
What? You say you don’t have time for me. Well, I think you do. Wait! Don’t walk away from me while I’m talking to you. Wait… You know what? Go ahead and walk away. Feel free to. It’s not as if you can actually get away from me.
Hmm… What was that? What did I mean? Oh, it’s simple. Do you feel that? Don’t feel anything yet? Okay, how about now? Do you feel that tiny tingling sensation on your head, just above your left ear? You do! Awesome. That’s me. Nice to meet you.
Wait! Wait! Wait! Don’t reach up to scratch at me. I’m just going to run away, leaving a trail of tingling footprints wherever I go. The more you scratch, the more I run and well, the more you itch. Hence my name…
You don’t believe me, huh? I guess I’m going to have to prove it. Go ahead, give that itch on your head a good scratch. Whoops. You almost got me. That spot feels better now, doesn’t it? But, what’s this? Is that another itch just below the hairline on your neck? Don’t lie to me—you reached up to scratch it. I saw you.
Did you get it? Did you get the itch? You think you did, but you didn’t. Now, I’m on your shoulder. I might not be your conscious but I could just hang out here for a… hey watch those fingers.
Why don’t you keep scratching while I go hang out on your back? Ha! You can’t quite reach me, can you? Hey, nice tattoo you got there! Still can’t reach me, can you? That’s it—stretch that arm, bend it back as far as you can get it. What’s this? A ruler? Oh, Joy! It’s been a while since someone tried to catch me with a measuring stick. I think I’ll just move a little further down your back.
Whoa-ho! You almost got me there. You’re a sneaky one, aren’t you? I wasn’t expecting you to get someone to help you. And she has long fingernails. Excuse me while I dodge the raking going on back here.
Dude! Do you ever wipe? It stinks down here. Ooooo… don’t do that. It’s just not becoming to dig in your crack like that. Hey, buddy, that attractive woman saw you digging. You’ll never get a date with her. Hey, do you want to have some fun? Go shake that guy’s hand over there. Yeah, that one—he saw you digging in the Valley of Cheeks also.
I’ve gotta get out of here. You don’t mind if I wipe my feet do you? I don’t want to be leaving that stuff all over the place.
Oh, now you’re swatting at me. Go ahead—it’s your thigh you’re hitting so have fun.
Scratch, scratch as hard as you can, you can’t catch me I’m the itching man. I know it’s cheesy, but it’s all I could come up with on such short notice.
You’re not having any fun are you? What’s that? You say you are itching all over? Yeah, I can see that. Do you have fleas or something? Maybe some chiggers have gotten a hold of you.
I was going to go down to your foot but I’m just not that brave. Sometimes men don’t wash there feet that well and then it gets to stinking. Whoo-wee. I’m not so sure I’m up for that today. Especially after the whole stink fest from a minute ago…
Umm… you might want to quit scratching so hard—you’re going to break the skin with your fingernails. Yuck. Too late. Your arm’s bleeding. I think you’re developing a rash. You might want to get that looked at.
I told you that you couldn’t escape me. No one can. I’m M. Itch Rashwell.
Look over there. I think I’ll pay that person a visit. She looks like things are going real well for her. Besides, women can make scratching look sexy—so much more than any man can.
Yeah, your rash is spreading now—like I said you may want to get that looked at.
Well, there’s my ride—just a little closer and I’ll… yes, she smells like roses. I love roses. Enjoy your scratching, buddy. See yah after a while. I’ll bring some friends next time and we can have a party…