The Christmas Season and Pink is My Favorite Crayon

Posted: December 3, 2010 by ajbrown in Uncategorized
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The holiday season is upon us…

(Herbie: Whoa, whoa, whoa… Hold on there, big fellah. Holiday season? Seriously? Have you become like the rest of the world and have chosen to go all generic with the way you view this time of year? Shame on you…)

Okay, okay. Let me back up and start this over.

The CHRISTMAS season is upon us. Better?

(Herbie: Much.)

For anyone I may have offended with my use of the word Christmas: Oh well. I don’t know when Christmas stopped being Christmas and started being the ‘Holidays’ but for me, it will always be Christmas. I’m not going to be politically incorrect and say Happy Holidays to folks. If anyone chooses to correct me, I will, in turn, correct them. In America, it is Christmas. Has been for years and years and years.

I know this country is a melting pot of many religions and nationalities and I ‘get’ the point to saying Happy Holidays. No one wants to be offended. I get that. But, you know, maybe hearing Happy Holidays instead of Merry Christmas is… oh, I don’t know… offensive to me, to how I was raised. Have any of you politically incorrect people thought about that? Maybe… just maybe… those of us who were raised with Christmas don’t like hearing that day relegated to a Happy Holiday.

Christmas is on the 25th of December. I’m sure I don’t need to tell you that. Kwanzaa falls on the 26th. Hanukkah falls from December 1st through the 9th of this year—as Adam Sandler sings, it’s eight crazy nights. So, the argument can be made that from Thanksgiving through January 1st, it is the Holiday Season.

As Lee Corso puts it, ‘Not so fast.’ My argument to all of this is, since this country is such an expansive melting pot, why isn’t all year considered the ‘Holiday Season?’ Go through the calendar. If you take every nationality and religion that is held within the borders of America in to account, every other day is practically a holiday. I’m sure atheists have a holiday akin to Christmas. I don’t know what it is, but there is one, isn’t there? And those happy folks, the Satanists, they have holidays, right? I tend to think Black Friday had to be one of theirs and they’re probably pissed off that realtors around the world have stolen it for the ‘biggest shopping day of the year.’ There are millions of people out there who believe the day after the Super Bowl is a holiday.

Let’s be honest here. Doesn’t the Holiday Season really start around the second week of October? Isn’t that when we start seeing colors of red and green and gold begin popping up? Isn’t that around the time that stores start advertising their holiday specials? Isn’t that when finding stuff for Halloween becomes more and more difficult as each year passes? Pretty soon, we really will have Christmas in July.

I get it. Happy Holidays and all that. I really do. But, for me, it is Merry Christmas. For me it will always be Merry Christmas. So, don’t correct me. You say Happy Holidays if you like. I will continue to say Merry Christmas. After all, Christmas is supposed to be the celebration of the birth of Jesus. It’s not supposed to be a holiday where people exchange gifts, sing about Santa Clause, watch football and take time off from work. It’s supposed to be a birthday and whether you believe in Jesus or not, most folks do take time to celebrate the superficial on that day—sadly, not the individual the day is supposed to be about.

***

Now that I am off of my soapbox, let’s continue on.

One of my favorite websites is Tales of the Zombie War. If you like the undead walking about, being shot by survivors of the apocalypse, then this is the place for you. Some really great stories, including a couple of mine.

Tales of the Zombie War

***

Staying with the zombie theme for a second here, I was fortunate enough to sit down with Eric S. Brown a couple of weeks ago and chat about the goings on in his life. We discussed zombies and bigfoot—yeah, I know, a great combination. Check it out. Leave a comment or ten, if you will.

Eric S Brown Talks Zombies and Bigfoot

***

Now showing on a computer screen near you is my story, Passing Eternity, at SNM Horror Magazine. It placed 2nd, in their every-other month contest. It is the sixth story I have placed at SNM Horror Magazine over the last couple of years. Passing Eternity will also appear in Bonded by Blood III later this month.

Read Passing Eternitys here:

Passing Eternity

Also, you can still catch my story, The Long Walk, which appeared in the November issue of SNM Horror Magazine.

Read The Long Walk here:

The Long Walk

***

A few weeks ago I lamented about the real difference between men and women: it’s all in how they stab you. A couple of weeks later I gave an example of this in relaying my thoughts about the Dixie Chicks’ song Goodbye Earl. This week, I further my evidence in this case with Pink’s Please, Don’t Leave Me.

First off, let’s get the fact out the way that Pink is a fairly hot chick. That’s part of the package. Most of the psycho women out there are hot. Pretty simple. Pink falls into this category quite nicely. Watch the video, you’ll see what I mean.

The video starts with a contradiction of sorts. There is Pink in her robe, her love interest trying to gather his belongings and make a get away. She is trying to keep him there by grabbing some of his clothes, yet she sings: “I don’t know if I can yell in louder. How many times have I kicked you out of here or said something insulting?”

At this point, you get the picture that Pink is just a little off in the head—at least according to the video. She’s trying to get him to stay, yet she’s kicked him out multiple times. Make up your wishy washy mind, okay? She follows the man to the stairs, talking about how crazy she can be, how mean she can get when her… heart is broken? Okay…

First off, if a woman tells me she can be mean when she wants to be and she’s capable of really anything, it would make me worry. She actually says, “I can cut you into pieces.” What? I’m sure that guy had to be imagining her cutting him to tiny little bits, maybe tossing him to the piranha that is probably in her swimming pool. I can understand him wanting to get out of there. What I don’t understand is why he didn’t do it while she was sleeping instead of while she was awake.

Caveat #1: Women, just because you are pretty, sexy or both, doesn’t mean you can be psycho and expect to keep your man.

The guy looks at her like she’s lost her mind (which I’m sure she probably had at that point) and backs away. Whoops. There just happens to be marbles on the landing at the top of the stairs. How did those get there? I wonder…

Humpty Dumpty fell to the floor.
Humpty Dumpty didn’t make it to the door.

What I find funny about that portion of the video is that the man had his golf clubs with him. Seriously? You grab your golf clubs when you’re tying to get away from a head case chick and you don’t use them to protect yourself? Moron.

When Pink cocks her head to the side, quizzical expression on her face there is no doubt that she has flown over the nest.

Fast forward slightly to the scene where he comes to and she is sewing up his arm. First off, OUCH! Then she does that sexy little dance.

Caveat #2: Women, us men like it when you dance all sexy-like in those cute little outfits. However, if you are holding a golf clue (which is ironic in and of itself) and saying ‘the one who wins will be the one who hits the hardest,’ it’s not so sexy after all.

Has anyone seen the movie Misery with Kathy Bates and James Caan? You know that scene where Kathy talks about this thing called Hobbling? Oh, you know what I’m talking about. I’m sure Pink has seen this movie after watching her wield that golf club with such precise accuracy.

The next part where she chops up the food (could she be cutting her former lover into pieces here) and the dog attacks the guy really doesn’t say that much to me about her, but more about him. He’s clearly an idiot. You make your break for it when she is not around or asleep. Hello? It’s not like she tied you down or anything. Not at that point, at least.

Onward to the part where she is putting make-up on the guy and she is wearing that frilly little outfit. The guy is in a wheelchair, strapped in for good measure. (See, if he would have left while she slept, this wouldn’t have happened) This is where Pink strikes me as creepy crazy, not just normal crazy. She spins him in circles and pushes him into her audience: a group of dolls set up to watch her insanity play out.

Caveat #3: Men, if you meet a woman who has a bunch of creepy looking baby dolls and/or stuffed animals, run… Don’t walk. Don’t jog. Run. As fast as you can. Move to another state. If you can afford to, move to another country. Change your name, your hair color, your profession. Learn a new language and adapt it as your native tongue. If you can really afford to, go ahead and have that sex change.

The man finally gets smart and runs for his ever loving life. Yet, here comes Pink, conveniently changed from frilly outfit to something that seems to fit the nuts-o state she is in at that point. I guess that’s her killing outfit. However, instead of making his way to the exit, he runs to the bathroom. I’m sorry, but I’m not running to a bathroom and cornering myself for her. If my bladder is full at that point, it just going to have to run down my legs and soak the front of my pants.

Next, Pink does her best “Here’s Johnny” impersonation and, well, the guy finally manages to save himself. If you don’t know what I mean, I’m referring to probably one of the greatest scenes in horror film history:

As the video ends, Pink is still begging him not to leave her. This is nuts in and of itself, since she appears to be dying from the long fall over the banister and to the floor.

I have stated my case fairly well up to this point. Like in the Goodbye Earl song, there is something really funny in this video, besides the obvious intent on being funny. It’s right at the end when the EMS workers have the man strapped on the gurney. One of them sets the bag on the man’s legs. Umm… hello? Victim here, legs are hurt, dude. Do you mind moving your &^%$#** bag?

Now, I would like asks you, the ladies and gentlemen of the jury: do you know of any other warning signs that a woman could be just a little off in the head? If so, would you mind sharing them with us?

***

I leave you now for a while. But, I leave you with a link to my story, Mother Weeps, nominated for a Pushcart Award. The story is at a website named, Pow Fast Flash Fiction. Enjoy the read.

Mother Weeps

Until next time, I’m AJ and I’m out…

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Comments
  1. Sue Babcock says:

    We women are really quite harmless.

    Mwahahahahaha

    Merry Christmas AJ and Herbie!

  2. gaydegani says:

    LOL! Okay I get it. I can seee your evidence. But what about Hannibal Lector??

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